My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
called in thicc to work this morning
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
So creative 😂
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
smartest karate player in the world
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.