My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
adding to the discourse
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?