My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
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My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”