My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
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I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.