My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Merica.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.