my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is