my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
You Might Also Like
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Happy weekend !
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”