My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
This dude got his own movie?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.