My ideal weight is five million dollars
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I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.