My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah