my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
j o i m p
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
mood
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.