My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The glory of fall.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count