my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

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asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat


I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.


Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!


“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”


Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan


Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”


Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.


my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life