My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.