My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life