My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Not all heroes wear capes.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.