My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

You Might Also Like


Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.


My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.


ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?



The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.


The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months


waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”


“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”


ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever