@Marlebean
@9to5Life Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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@9to5Life 
@UrAvgDegenerate My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
@bitzydimbo what could possibly go wrong?
@Staggfilms ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
@goldengateblond The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
@ristolable The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
@KeetPotato waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
@UncleDuke1969 “Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
@ArfMeasures ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
@darksidedeb Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.