Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
what could possibly go wrong?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.