@Marlebean

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

You Might Also Like

@9to5Life

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

@UrAvgDegenerate

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

@goldengateblond

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

@ristolable

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

@KeetPotato

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

@UncleDuke1969

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

@ArfMeasures

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever