My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Customer is always right
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…