My Indian name is dances without coordination.
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#FunnyLife Insects
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now