my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
You Might Also Like
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
the only organized thing in my life is crime
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger