@JermHimselfish

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

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@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

@StumblerTop

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

@ABurgerADay

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

@Cheeseboy22

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?