Single and childfree like Jesus
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?