My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“Sheer Arrogance”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Seems kinda suspicious
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.