”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I didn’t come here to be called names
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet