My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.