My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Anyone want a chair?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.