Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.