@TheCatWhisprer
@iliezabeth ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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@iliezabeth 
@GloriaFallon123 The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
@Crunch11b I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
@TheMomAtLaw Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
@_SouthernMama (Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
@o__0Dev Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
@GuyThe_Guy Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
@LMemeit Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
@Aspersioncast Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
@DocAtCDI Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!