My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”