My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA


The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”


I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.


Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.


(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?


Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.


Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.


Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!