My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.