My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot