My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
my favorite genre of twitter
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.