My joke about a partition wall really split the room
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
wtf management?!
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Can you solve the riddle??
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly