“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
im 7 sauces long
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]