My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo