My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.


I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.


Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?


Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.


Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…



Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.


I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.


You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.