My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.