My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard