My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
best first i’ve ever seen
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
She was rare, like a goth jogging