My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”