My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.