My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
just got my engagement photos
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
If I ignore life will it go away?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks