My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs