My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
You Might Also Like
3yo: dad I鈥檓 swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don鈥檛 drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he鈥檇 gotten himself a dog.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The only good comments section online is on recipes
King: For the last time, what鈥檚 your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I鈥檓 hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I鈥檓 driving to the supermarket. Because I鈥檓 a motivated doer.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
袉 never thought 袉 wouId say th褨s, and 褨t took me a wh褨le to come to terms, but 袉 th褨nk 袉 ate too much bacon.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Not to brag but I鈥檓 an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people鈥檚 eyes.
It鈥檚 me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
May your ex鈥檚 phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.