My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
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Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.