My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
oh you like nyc? name every rat
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta