My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
same vibe as tangled headphones
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
😂😂😂
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.