@ilovepie84

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

You Might Also Like

@ramblinma

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

@sleepwalkingdog

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

@audipenny

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

@chino_lol

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

@jasomnambulism

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

@amburgklur

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

@fundersum

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right