My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids


Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”


[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care


Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard


In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’


“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.


If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings


[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right