@ramblinma “I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
@ilovepie84 My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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@ramblinma 
@sleepwalkingdog Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
@audipenny [god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
@chino_lol Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
@jasomnambulism In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
@amburgklur “Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
@TrueTorontoGirl If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
@MrPudmansButler If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
@fundersum I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
@DanMentos [job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right