My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No