My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Cndnsd Mlk
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour