My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.