My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
🤣🤣
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.