My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Well, that should do it
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids