My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Coffee is ready.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
