My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.