My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.