My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
DOOO EEEET
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.