My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.