My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
You Might Also Like
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.